Requiem Aeternam

Rebellion.

The air is rank with the smell of it. Swamp gas fueled army camp fires pollute the air with their sooty smoke, rebel yells swarm the mason-dixon line, and the ghost of Jeffy Davis rides again.

Has so much time elapsed that the supremacy of ice and snow has been forgotten? Does Johnny Reb think that the wizards of the North  slumber? He is sadly mistaken if so, for they do not slumber but keep careful watch in their icy halls, nor has their strength, drawn from the iron hard earth, diminished.

After the Northern Wizards sweep across the South, crushing the foolish uprising and leaving rebel ranks frozen midstep from Gavelston to Charleston, there will be a second period of reconstruction. And this time, we will ensure that there will be no more forgetting.

Phase 1 (Compensation)

• Each state south of the Mason-Dixon line will pay a yearly tribute of seven young maidens. These maidens will be taken North and ceremoniously dumped in snowbanks as a metaphor for the North’s victory. South Carolina, as instigator, will be required to send an additional seven maidens, all from the town of Early Branch, the birthplace of the second rebellion.
• There will be a 97% tax (the average Southern summer temperature) on all teas containing sugar and/or artificial sweeteners. Teas served hotter than forty degrees Celsius are exempt from this tax.
• Representatives of the Southern states will sign a statement admitting responsibility for whatever atrocities (such the use of peanuts to create boiled products) the rebellion causes and binding the South to make financial reparations for the war.

Phase 2 (Readjustment)

• Oral exams will be administered to determine competency in Standard American English pronunciation and phraseology. Those with low scores will be restricted to making fried chicken, tobacco farming, and demolition derby driving.

Note: this item is currently being reevaluated by the powers that be (TPTB) as it is not expected to actually alter the current situation.

• Air Conditioners will be outlawed.
• Grits will be replaced with oatmeal in all stores.
• Rather than mandatory military service like some countries, beginning at age 4, all male children will be required to participate in hockey leagues. Additionally, parents or other spectators heard asking questions like “what quarter is it?” or “when’s halftime?” at hockey games will be flogged with a combination of live salmons and wet noodles (as will you if you don’t understand why those are bad things to say).
• All girls found complaining about the heat and lack of AC while wearing knee-length skirts and nearly sleeveless shirts will be required to wear full dress suits during summer activities and on Sundays.
• Those too old for the mandatory hockey program will be forced on a rotating basis to take mandatory vacations in Alaska and the Yukon Territory, including mandatory swim time in lakes fed by water from glaciers.

Phase 3 (Integration)

• Those who fail the Standard American English test (see phase 2) will be relocated to snow-making machine factories.
• The machines manufactured in this manner will be distributed throughout the South and used 24/7 to bury the South in glorious white flakes allowing everyone to enjoy white Christmases, sledding parties, and daily snowball fights.
• A large screen will be launched into space to reduce the amount of radiation reaching the South, causing a 30-60 degree drop in temperatures throughout the South. This is expected to be greeted with much rejoicing due to the previous termination of air conditioning (see Phase 2).
• The status of hoodies will be changed from “unprofessional and slobbish” to “appropriate for all settings.”

Disclaimer: should any Southerner find this post offensive, I completely understand given the amount of fire present in Southern blood rather than ice and hardness. However, I would like to also refer any such offended personages to the link at the beginning of this post and remind them that this was started by a Southerner (some things just don’t change . . . ).

^_^