Aug 18 2009
Cereal Wars, or The Preeminence of Oatmeal
For some time now a battle has raged over the relative merits of oatmeal and grits. In this post, I intend to examine indisputable facts in order to settle once and for all the question of which cereal makes a better breakfast food for prospective evil overlords.
First, let us examine the history of grits. The cereal was developed by Native Americans and adopted by European settlers. Eventually it became a staple food of the American South, especially in the Southeast from Virginia to Texas.
Now, I do not mean to imply anything about the people who currently consume grits nor do I mean to insult anyone’s heritage. However, facts are facts. Have you noticed something these two great grit-eating cultures have in common?
Well, the Native Americans were soundly trounced in a series of wars and oppressions and were crammed into reservations or forced to move ever farther west.
The southern American states, after forming the Confederated States of America, promptly found themselves on the losing end of the American Civil War. Oatmeal fueled northern armies under the command of men like Grant and Sherman cut through the South all the way to the coast.
You may think that the defeat of these grit consuming cultures is merely coincidence, but can it really be coincidental that every single one of the world’s grit dependent civilizations have been defeated? Look again at line demarcating grit popularity–every Confederate state falls within the line, and every one of the victorious Union state falls on the oatmeal side. The facts are simple. There is a 100% correlation between a culture’s grit consumption and subsequent military defeat.
The reasons for this are not readily apparent, but with some research one may uncover the underlying cause. Consider the words of Charleston’s News and Courier newspaper in 1952: “Given enough of [grits], the inhabitants of planet Earth would have nothing to fight about. A man full of [grits] is a man of peace.”* These words from grits supporters should sound like an alarm through the lairs and dens of evil overlords everwhere. Of course grit consumers suffer military defeat since their food takes away the inner fire and their fighting spirit. The same thing would happen to any evil overlord who does not heed this warning.
The evidence does not stop there! We have seen how grits contributes to demoralizing defeats; see now how oatmeal causes precisely the opposite affect.
In his dictionary of the English language, the great Samuel Johnson called oatmeal, “a grain, which in England is generally given to horses, but in Scotland supports the people.”
Although he intended to disparrage oatmeal as a food, he of course failed (as oatmeal is undisparrageable) and, in fact, greatly contributes to the theory of oatmealic superiority.
Through the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries, the British Empire expanded to epic proportions, not due to the normally accepted causes, but due to two facts concerning oatmeal. First, the British horses referred to by Johnson became great weapons of the British military. One must only read Tennyson’s poem “The Charge of the Light Brigade” to see what heights of heroism and valor oatmeal enabled British horses and their riders to obtain.
The second event which enabled the expansion of the British empire was the cessation of the silly English habit of vainly trying to fight oatmeal fed Scottish humans. Men like William Wallace and Robert the Bruce who ensured that Scotland would be the only division of the United Kingdom not to join England via military defeat feasted upon oatmeal, and that is where they got their strength.
So once Britain stopped fighting against those buttressed by oatmeal consumption and started using oatmeal in their own war efforts, the Empire became nearly invincible. In the twentieth century, however, the declining use of the British oat devouring horse as a war weapon directly caused the decline of the British Empire. The link is undeniable. As tanks and infantry, neither of which being fueled by oatmeal, grew in importance, the British Empire faded. Further extenuating the decline of England was the continued edition of northern American states and their superior oatmeal preparation techniques (see bonus section at end of post).
Three conclusions then present themselves to budding evil overlords.
- Oatmeal is clearly the superior choice for world domination. Its prowess is well documented, being rivaled only by certain types of rice as fuel for empires and dictatorships. Grits may be perfect for lovers of peace and harmony, but that is not us!
- Stay away from grits. They will sapp your determination to conquer and your will to fight. You will find yourself carrying daisies rather than war hammers and wooing females rather than scheming nefariously (well, there may be some of that involved still, but it will be less violent. generally).
- Give grits to everyone else.
Bonus Recipe
If this oatmeal variant does not make your mouth water and your heart beat valiantly, nothing will.
The oats are soaked overnight in cold water, salt and maple syrup. Early the next morning, before beginning farm chores the cook will add ground nutmeg, ground cinnamon and sometimes ground ginger. The pot is placed over heat and cooks for upwards of 90 minutes, being served after the chores with cream, milk, or butter.
Now there’s some fuel to keep you going as you study tomes of war wizardry in halls of ice, or battle undead hordes on tundras at the edge of the world!
